The Struggle

In January 2015 i was feeling the worst I've been in years. I decided to seek out something that would help. I found a clinic that dealt with Bio-Identical hormones. I made an appointment. In the appointment i was told that in about 4 months i would be feeling amazing, weight would be dropping off me like never before, all because my hormones were out of balance. With that i trusted this was the answer. 

I paid $451 then $100 a month after (just for office visits and blood work) I was diagnosed with PCOS (poly cystic ovarian syndrome), low testosterone, Insulin out of control, thyroid working at 10%, low progestrone, low estrogen, no vitamin D, low vitamin B12, needed a water pill to help with retaining water, low DHEA levels, also prescribed melatonin to help me sleep, and a very high dose of Metformin (to help with the insulin levels, not being diabetic, this medication is used to treat PCOS patients)    

On top of the cost of the office visits i then had to pay for all the medication i was about to start. 9 prescriptions later.. I was on the road to the best health i was supposed to ever feel.

I wont say i didn't have a few months here and there of feeling pretty dang good, but i can not say i felt AMAZING.... I didn't see the weight go off, in fact i was eating less, more active and the weight began to come on slowly. Frustrated every time i had a visit, they kept telling me it was going to happen, and adjusting the medication. No change in weight, slight change in energy and the cost of medication going up.

Sept 21st i text the nurse practitioner that i had been working with. Expressing how concerned i was with the cost of the office visits &  the cost of the medication on a monthly basis. And not feeling much change as was stated 9 months earlier, i felt stuck, frustrated, mad, and going broke.

The response back to me was and i state: "If you want to stop everything you can and then just let me know".  .

My reply: "do you think that's the best route? i want his to work but not sure how i should be feeling, does that make sense?"

Her response: "Yes. I think you are just stressed and worried about money."

I replied... can you call me when you get a minute... and with that nothing!! 

A week later, I advised i would NOT be returning to see her again and going off all the medications. She told me shed been to busy to call and wished me well.

WHAT???!!!!

I was hurt, felt Betrayed and hopeless. 

I took myself off all the medications, the cost of them was not worth feeling crappy anyways.

 

Emotional Healing

Finally an update.. only 2 months later :)
With all the exercising that I'm doing and watching what i eat, i still feel like I'm at a stand still and i know why. I have not been emotionally ready to let the past go. A few weeks ago i had attended an essential oil class. In this class we learned about "Emotional Healing with essential Oils". A point was brought up, in this class, that if there is an oil that you can not stand, that means there is something in it that you need. Patchouli oil makes my stomach turn. I can pick it out of a crowd, out of any oil it may be blended with, . I SIMPLY HATE IT!! . To prove this wrong, i decided to look this up. Here's what is said about Patchouli oil:
"Patchouli oil assists in releasing emotional judgements and issues related to the body, such as believing the body is unholy or dirty. This oil helps with body image distortions and general body dislike. This oil brings confidence in the body as well as grace, poise and physical strength.
EMOTIONS ADDRESSED: Body shame, disconnect from the body, judgement of the body, tension in the body."
COMPANION OILS: Grapefruit, cinnamon and spruce

So to go further with this, i looked up Grapefruit oil, simple put it read:
EMOTIONS ADDRESSED: Hate for the body, addiction to food or dieting, eating disorders, and anxiety over appearance.

I know that i need to be emotionally healed, i have not let my issues go. Case in point, i few weeks ago i really got my feelings hurt. I don't feel it was intentional but i cried for 3 days. I felt like the "fat girl on the playground" I felt everything that i had worked for so far was a waste. that i was back to being judged by my appearance. That i am an embarrassment to everyone I'm seen with, or that they only want to be seen with me, to make them look better.  I have become more reserved, my wall is back up and I'm very careful what i say and do around certain people. This is not who i am or who i want to be.. So i need EMOTIONAL HEALING, before i can truly go on and get past these hang ups that are keeping me at the same weight, the same habits, the same feelings and same insecurities that creep up over and over again. I'm simply emotionally and physically drained and i need change now!
Now i do not express my feelings in this blog for any kind of sympathy, that is not what I'm looking for. I just need to put this down as some sort of therapy, if you want to call it that.

So today is the first day of applying the dreaded Patchouli oil and grapefruit, twice a day. I want to gag at the smell of it, but I'm going to really test this out. I need to be freed from the emotional turmoil that has haunted me for years.

Updates and journeling will be a part of this journey.. stay tuned
Oct 8th, 2012 is the First step to emotional healing with essential oils.

Living in the future

First week down of 6am workouts and 2 evening workouts with my trainer. I am feeling better each day. However i have decided i can not do this journey alone. I have to have someone to be accountable to. I cant trust myself (at this point in the game) to get up and work out without having someone at the gym waiting for me. Why is that? I mean i really want to be healthy, strong, fit and look good. So why cant i just do this on my own. I have so many friends that have the drive, the will power, nothing going to stop them kind of attitude.. why wasn't i born with that?!

I have to say it feels great to get to the gym.. and share my knowledge of working out (thanks to my trainer). With every sit up, side crunch, squat, bench press, i feel empowered and determined that i will do this.. it's mine to have.

My friend posted on FB, that she had a dream that i had hit my goal weight and was a hot little momma (maybe not in those exact words.. haha). As i pondered that thought all day, it hit me driving home from work.. I have never been able to see myself at my goal weight. I have never stuck with the latest "GET SKINNY IN JUST MONTHS" diet.  I have not loved myself enough to get healthy and change my lifestyle. Food has been my best friend, never letting me down whether happy or sad, it has been my constant reliable companion.
I started to cry, I HAVE BEEN DIETING SINCE JR HIGH!!! Killing myself to look like everyone else, if only to be skinny enough to have that certain boy like me, or not be an embarrassment to my family because of my weight. I have often felt like people are ashamed to be around me because of my weight.
Only to be told over and over that i "dressed great for a big girl", or "you are lucky to have a boyfriend that likes bigger women". I could go on and on, but it only brings back those hurt feelings.

The truth is, I have a wonderful husband that loves me for me. He has NEVER made me feel bad about my weight. I have amazing friends that love and support me (even when i need to eat that really yummy triple fudge Carmel sundae). And to those family members that have called me fat (in one way or another), nothing like calling the kettle black.. haha.

37 years old, I'm finally seeing who i am, who i am becoming. I'm strong and a fighter. Those haunting words from my past, just piss me off and makes me want to fight harder.

I choose NOT TO DIET anymore. I choose to live a healthier, happier lifestyle. And YES I'm still going to eat that occasional dessert.
As of today I'm 42lbs down from my heaviest weight, can bench press 150lbs & leg press 150lbs.  I work like a dog, sweat like a pig, to look like a fox. 

Swimming

 
                       Ryan & Kaden at the Roy Aquatic Center

Summer has been alot of fun, being outside and enjoying the sun. Ryan and Kaden are loving the water, in fact a little to adventurous. They are NOT afraid of the water at all.  They will run, jump, play and push each other over in the water. I know they are having fun, but as a mom, I'm freaked out they are going to drown (the water is only 2 ft deep, but like my mom always used to say.. "you can drown in a teaspoon of water". haha.
Swimming lesson are a must for these two.
Our favorite place to go is the Layton Surf and Swim, however my niece talked me into going to the Roy Aquatic Center. I had to pay for plastic pants that go over the swim diaper and the swim shorts, they don't take credit cards, CASH only. By this time I'm totally annoyed, luckily my niece had cash. Then before you can enter the swimming pool, i was stopped so that they could go through my bag.. I asked the girl what they were looking for, she said "Alcohol and glass containers".. really?? As i watched other people come in, they were not being check.. so i have to ask, was it the tattoo that targeted me for a bag check or did i in fact look drunk. (mind you my tattoo is a turtle, so it's not like it's anything hardcore).
     After that we had a great time in the pool with the kids. Kaden has become quit the ladies man. He would not leave all the mom's sitting on the side of the kidding pool alone. He wanted to hang out with them and chat it up. I had to keep pulling him away and apologizing.  It was pretty funny.
I guess my first clue he was a ladies man, should have been when we were at a different pool with my friend Rebecca and her girls and Kaden would not stop kissing Rebecca. It was so funny!
     Here we are in August, and summer quickly coming to a close, i know i have to soak up as much sun as possible. I will miss the heat when it's gone (i only say that when it's soo cold outside I'm craving any kind of warmth).
     Cheers to a great summer!

   

dear food, i love to hate you!

Here is my dilema.. I LOVE FOOD. I eat when i'm happy, sad, lonely, bored, need to keep my hands busy. You know more times then not, i just eat.. it's doesn't even taste great. So why do i do it?? I dont know. I have done hypotherapy, energy work, diet after diet to cure this addiction. Where am i at today?? 100 lbs over weight. UM, something is wrong with this picture.
Thursday July 27th, here's what i ate. Frosted cherrios with milk, 2 cheese and meat burritos (deep fried of course) 52 oz of dr. pepper, 12 oz dr. pepper, 12 oz. Live wire mtn dew, chicken breast, potatoes, green beans, 7 layer chocolate fudge cake, bag of popcorn...oh and i can't forget 2 cupcakes. SOO i ask, why am i 100lbs over weight? LOL.
That night walking up the stairs my legs, feet and back where killing me. I crawled into bed in a food coma (i had to take 2 sleeping pills from all the caffiene), body aching and stomach ache i finally drifted off to sleep, and hoping that i would actually wake up friday and prayed i hadn't given my self a heart attack.
The next morning i woke up feeling horrible, all these questions running through my head, how can i expect my kids to be healthy when i'm not, how can i keep going when i can barely walk and what is it going to take to get me to stop?!
I texted a girlfriend of my and decided i need a partner, someone to be accountable to. Someone i can be brutely honest with and share the dreaded "MY ACTUAL WEIGHT". Someone i could trust to push me, scold me and be my biggest cheerleader.
So here we are day 4 of healthier eating, no soda (expect the minimal diet coke of course), exercising and really doing this.  NO MORE EXCUSES!!!
I start a body cleanse day 5, heaven knows my body needs it.

Last night i craved something really sweet, (didn't help that i was watching Cupcakes Wars ) I texted my girlfriend again... HELP, i need something sweet... after texting back and forth about how our first few days have gone, i got a tall glass of ice water and drank that instead. One crisis adverted :)
Now i  know that there will be good days and bad days, but with the support of one of my best friends that's in it with me, i will get that 100lb weight off.

Food is my silent killer, i hate you and love you at the same time. Some day we will be friends and i choose not to allow you to rule my life anymore!!

Love being a mom

It's been to long since i blogged.. why.. I'm not sure, but the past few months have flown by. I have actually been in survival mode for the past two years. Yes the twins have turned 2, and to be honest, i don't remember a lot. Good thing Paul is camera happy.  I don't remember them being so small, the day to day activities, however i do remember the endless nights of no sleep (from teething, bad dreams, wanting to be held, etc.) Now it hasn't been all that bad, but it's been EXHAUSTING. Yes I'm going to say it.. being a mom is exhausting. And yes i know.. I prayed for these two, and would not want it any different (on a good day i can say that.. hahaha). I have felt that every mom out there just loves being a mom, doing the daily routines of kids things, changing poopy diapers, playing with the kids, feeding them.. the list goes on and on. I have felt like an inadequate mom, because quit frankly, i haven't enjoyed any of that. Everything seems like a chore.  So why this funk that I'm in.. I don't know.. feeling like I'm a bad mom.  Then just recently after expressing my feelings to a few different moms/friends i found out I'm NOT the only one that feels this way.. in fact more women feel this way then are willing to admit.. and damnit, let's be honest.. it's not all fun and games and women that act like it is.. well it's a lie. 
I'm trying to shake this funk I'm in..enjoy every day or at least find something to enjoy everyday.
TODAY i feel like i can do this.. i can be a mom and be happy doing it, because the past two years have gone by like a blink of the eye.. and I'm sad to say, i don't remember a lot.. yes survival mode most of the time.  Before i know it Ryan and Kaden will be off to school, having their own friends, hugging mom will be soo uncool, and snuggling.. well that will come to an end :(
So from here on out, I'm trying to how i can enjoy motherhood (even the days they are both puking on me) because I'm the one that they want to hold them.. and the house work, laundry, shopping, etc. will always be there.

So today, i love being a mom.
Ps: did i mention Kaden got a hold of a RED marker and scribbled all over our Tan sectional.. yes, i repeat, i love being a mom.. :)

Halloween 2011

Monday Oct 31st


I recieved a text from a friend asking if i had seen the FB post regarding the funeral of a friends granddaughter. I quickly made arrangements for a sitter and said i'd be there.

What a bitter sweet experience.. this sweet couple had lost their baby, full term and gave birth to a still born baby girl. My heart still breaks for them. As the family pulled up and the small casket was taken from the car, the feelings from Jesse's service rushed over me. I couldn't hold back the tears and knew all to well the sadness this couple was having to endure. To know that they will not get to take her home to her room that was all to ready for her, have her there for her first christmas, all the times of saying.. "no no, stop, don't do that..." and most importantly rocking that sweet baby to sleep. I understood the pain all to well, the sadness that comes with loosing a child and the thoughts of how it would have been to raise this child.

I do know that everything happens for a reason, I know that there is a reason this baby girl and my Jesse had to leave this earthly life sooner then any of us wanted them too, i can take comfort in knowing we will see them again. Thank you to a great friend Rebecca that has become such a wonderful friend in the past year, she was their for me.. and i know she really cares.

On a lighter note, it was the twins (Ryan and Kaden's) first time trick or treating..we tried last year, but only being a few months old.. they totally didn't get it.
Ryan was the orange M&M, Kaden was yellow, I was green and Paul was the red one. We had a great time. the boys did not want to be stuck in their wagon, they wanted to be right there along with everyone walking. Toward the end of the night, they were so scared to walk up the stairs.. in fact, Kaden tried on several occasions to go into their homes :)
We ended the night at 8pm.. we had enough.. but had perfect weather.. was so grateful for that!!
So i am blessed. I'm blessed for the two little spirits that fill me days with laughter, frusteration and exhaustion. I wouldn't have it any other way. I love them more and more and grateful for the time i have with them.

It's been a rough couple of weeks

Finally the twins are down for a nap, i can actually get on the computer without them wanting (yes both of them) to be on my lap and seeing what I'm doing... or better yet they want to bang on the computer.
I start looking at a blog my friend sent me about two different families that have lost a child. Curiosity gets to me and i begin to read.. a family lost their first child at 18 months old to an accident, where she feel into a canal and they didn't know it until a farmer had found her.
To read the words that the mother recalls and the pain, is reminding me that Jesse would be due next week. Only a few short months ago we were preparing for our 3rd and last child. The pain and tears come back to me from the day i was told Jesse would not survive and i needed to decide on when to have him. Even though i feel peace with his passing and know he is where he's suppose to be, i still feel the overwhelming heartache that i will not be raising him in this life. that i will never get the chance to see him and his brothers (Ryan and Kaden) play outside, smack each other for a toy that is wanted be all of them, laugh as they throw all the dog food either at the dog.. or into his water.

Ive thought about Jesse alot the past couple of weeks. As we get closer to his original due date my sadness grows. Visiting his grave only brings me to tears.
I wish i could feel Jesse with us all the time.. but in a strange way i know he is watching over us. It has to be hard for him to see me cry.

Ryan and Kaden's first pool

We finally found a pool for the twins. Yes the last one at Target. We tried swimming in our diapers.. well they exploded :( So we are skinny dipping instead. They werent to sure about it at first (could be due to the cold water and nothing to cover their little bums..) Well they've played in it a few times and now have discovered they can crawl out and make their great excape. It's exhausting to run after these two.. however i prayed long and hard for babies and got two. I sure do love them. They are getting quite the personalities. I do thank god for them everyday!!

Jesse Leon Otto

Jesse Leon Otto came into our life, for only a short time. He was born on June 22, 2010. He lived a short 7 mins. He was delivered via c-section at Ogden Regional Medical center. His little heart stopped beating right before he was placed into our arms.

June 14th i go in for what was suppose to be a routine check up and our target ultrasound.. we were finally going to find out the sex our of baby. I arrive to the office, sit in the waiting area, turn on my phone and update my status on Face book.. "At the Dr office right now, finally going to find out the sex our baby..."

I finally get my turn in the the ultrasound tech. We exchange small talk about how many kids we already have, what we think the baby is going to be. The tech stops talking and ask, "have you been drinking enough fluid?" a million questions start running through my mind.. "why would she ask that, have i not drank enough water, could it be all those cokes i drank.." i respond, "i think so.. why?" She proceeds to tell me that my fluid levels are low.. he doesn't speak much after that. Next thing i know she says.. "i need to go get your doctor, " of course i begin to panic and ask if it's serious.. her reply "yes there is something wrong and it's serious.." with that she hands me the tissue and is out the door.

As i lay there on the table, looking up at the dimly lit ceiling, the tears begin to flow, how can this be happening, what could be wrong, I'm 5 months along, how can they just be seeing this now, she's obviously mistaken.

Two Doctors and the tech return, and start discussing what she sees. Then turn to me and ask "do you have any questions.." "yes i reply, i don't understand what you are talking about.."

they proceed to tell me that our baby is not going to survive, that he has not developed the way he should have. That his spine and skull have not formed.

I can't control the emotions now, they are spinning out of control. I'm by myself, no one to hold my hand, no one to share this devastating news with. The doctors leave so i can get up and my doctor tells me he'd like to meet with me in another room. The tech helps me up and walks me to the room, before she closes the door, she turns with tears in her eyes, walks to me and gives me a hug... telling me how sorry she is. With that she is gone. I'm left in the room, waiting for the doctor, frantically trying to call Paul. No response.. i try 6 more times and just his voicemail. I then call my mom.. i need to tell someone. I finally get a hold of her, between sobs explain what is going on... her and my dad where on there way within hours.

the doctor returns and asks me what would i like to do, that we are going to have to deliver this baby. i had several options #1 deliver vaginally, #2 Dialate & Evacuate, #3 c-section.

I tell him i need a 2nd opinion and need to see a specialists. He agrees that i have the right, and gets me an appointment the next day in Salt Lake City.

With blood shot, puffy eyes i leave the office.. go to my car and just sit there.. unable to move, unable to speak, unable to breath.. Our baby was not going to live!!
Finally able to get a hold of Paul, he leaves work immediately. Ryan and Kaden are being taking care of by Alyssa. I return home, numb... i go to my room.

Paul is come within a 1/2 hr.. he comes to our room.. all i can do is sob. We both sit there in disbelief and emotionally raw.

The next day i head to salt lake, with a lot of support of family (my parents, Paul and sister Michelle) by my side, we get to the office and meet with the doctor. He proceeds with an ultrasound as well, and goes over the report from my doctors office. He is able to explain to us more about what the baby has. He was diagnosed with Anencephaly: a cephalic disorder that results from a neural tube defect that occurs when the head end of the neural tube fails to close and usually between 23rd and 26th day of pregnancy, resulting in the absence of a major portion of the brain, skull and scalp. Most babies with this genetic disorder do not survive birth.

Nothing can be done medically to save this baby, nothing that i have done caused this to happen.. it's just one of those rare things that happens. He goes on to explain that i could carry this baby full term and he will continue to grow and so will i, but the outcome will remain the same. He is only alive, because i am his life support. The decision is then ours as to when the baby will be born.

Our Miracle babies

Dec 2009
Paul and I have been married 11 years at this point, Christmas of 2009 as we sit in front of the tree Paul says to me.. "i feel like there is something missing"...
We have been trying to have children and it never happened. I had given up on the thought that it would EVER happen. I say to Paul.. "if you think we should trying seeing a specialist again we can" We tried fertility drugs about 7 years prior and nothing seemed to work. It was devastating, and exhausting. Everything had to be scheduled, it seemed more like a job to try and get pregnant.

Dec. 28Th 2009
For over a month i kept feeling that i needed to stop at the store and get a pregnancy test. I kept ignoring that nagging feeling, after all how many times id gone through this.. thinking Im pregnant, taking a test, having it come out negative.. I couldn't put myself through this again.
I finally decided to pick up a test.. in fact i bought 3!! I got home and the first 2 test failed.. my thought, "here we go again". Paul and I went to the gym, came home and i had a feeling i needed to try it one more time... It came out positive!!
Paul and I stayed up that night talking about, what if this was really it, what if i was really pregnant.. and what was i going to do...?
I had given notice and my last day at work was in two days. I was trying to start doing massage full time and really start building my business. We were planning our next trip to Mexico & just about out of debt!!

Dec 29th 2009
i called my Dr first thing the next morning, he got me in within hours. Paul went to work and i told him i would call when i found out for sure.. after all these years and no symptoms, there is no way i am pregnant.
Of course upon arriving at the Dr office, the staff started congratulating me on being pregnant (i had only told them my test at home was positive) i was really annoyed, because we didn't know for sure.
When the Dr came in to see me i said i still didn't believe it. He told me he was going to do an ultrasound. As he proceeded with the ultrasound, there it was.. our baby. Then to the Dr's surprise, he found another baby.. Yep.. i was having twins. He was able to tell me that they were identical boys and that i was 3 1/2 months along. I could not believe it. All i could do was lay there and bawl. TWIN BOYS?? how did this happen??
i got to my car and called Paul right away.. our conversation went something like this.. "Honey, i need you to go to the conference room, shut the door, sit down.. I have something to tell you.. We are having identical twins boys... sob sob sob.." Paul's response.."oh shit... uhh i don't feel so good.."
We called our parents right away.. and the phone never stopped until late that night. It was a miracle that we conceived two babies. Our prayers where finally answered. Yes God has a sense of humor, sending me two babies at a time, i guess making up for lost time?!

Ryan and Kaden's blessing day

Sept 2010
Ryan Paul was blessed by my dad and Kaden Arthur was blessed by my brother Tony.
They were blessed in the LDS church. We had many family members attend that day. It was a special day and something i never thought I'd get to experience, since it took us 11 years to have these two little miracles.

It's fall

Hello to everyone.. so fall is in the air.. my favorite time of year.

We've had a great few months between family reunions and enjoying the sun shine.

Paul and I bought the game "rock band" and played for hours with Tony and Kendra and kids over the weekend. It was fun, we sang, played the guiatar and drums. We totally rocked!!

I got down to Bon Jovi.. "dead or alive" I so need to go on tour :)

Good times. Paul's not to into it, but helped with the drums.. i coulnd't get the whole foot pedal down with trying to do the drum set... If anyone wants to rock seriously... come on over.

Well it's slow at work, i'm off to do some shopping.. my favorite pass time.

Brigette

the end of summer

As we come the then end of summer, i think.. did i really get to do all that i wanted? I wanted to camp more (which we only did 1 weekend) travel, etc. But never enough time or $$ to do so. I"m happy for the fall however, my favorite time of year. Not looking forward to winter however...

So Paul and I started to work out again last night. It felt good, i thought i would have slept great last night.. yeah right. I remember tossing and turning all night long. I would stop long enough to see how peacefull Paul was sleeping and it made me so pissed.

Back to exercising.. i know we need to do it more, so we are commiting to it... damn.

I need to change the way i think about it, i would rather it be a torture chamber, it is fun... i keep telling myself that. We'll see how long this will last.