Living in the future

First week down of 6am workouts and 2 evening workouts with my trainer. I am feeling better each day. However i have decided i can not do this journey alone. I have to have someone to be accountable to. I cant trust myself (at this point in the game) to get up and work out without having someone at the gym waiting for me. Why is that? I mean i really want to be healthy, strong, fit and look good. So why cant i just do this on my own. I have so many friends that have the drive, the will power, nothing going to stop them kind of attitude.. why wasn't i born with that?!

I have to say it feels great to get to the gym.. and share my knowledge of working out (thanks to my trainer). With every sit up, side crunch, squat, bench press, i feel empowered and determined that i will do this.. it's mine to have.

My friend posted on FB, that she had a dream that i had hit my goal weight and was a hot little momma (maybe not in those exact words.. haha). As i pondered that thought all day, it hit me driving home from work.. I have never been able to see myself at my goal weight. I have never stuck with the latest "GET SKINNY IN JUST MONTHS" diet.  I have not loved myself enough to get healthy and change my lifestyle. Food has been my best friend, never letting me down whether happy or sad, it has been my constant reliable companion.
I started to cry, I HAVE BEEN DIETING SINCE JR HIGH!!! Killing myself to look like everyone else, if only to be skinny enough to have that certain boy like me, or not be an embarrassment to my family because of my weight. I have often felt like people are ashamed to be around me because of my weight.
Only to be told over and over that i "dressed great for a big girl", or "you are lucky to have a boyfriend that likes bigger women". I could go on and on, but it only brings back those hurt feelings.

The truth is, I have a wonderful husband that loves me for me. He has NEVER made me feel bad about my weight. I have amazing friends that love and support me (even when i need to eat that really yummy triple fudge Carmel sundae). And to those family members that have called me fat (in one way or another), nothing like calling the kettle black.. haha.

37 years old, I'm finally seeing who i am, who i am becoming. I'm strong and a fighter. Those haunting words from my past, just piss me off and makes me want to fight harder.

I choose NOT TO DIET anymore. I choose to live a healthier, happier lifestyle. And YES I'm still going to eat that occasional dessert.
As of today I'm 42lbs down from my heaviest weight, can bench press 150lbs & leg press 150lbs.  I work like a dog, sweat like a pig, to look like a fox.