Finally the twins are down for a nap, i can actually get on the computer without them wanting (yes both of them) to be on my lap and seeing what I'm doing... or better yet they want to bang on the computer.
I start looking at a blog my friend sent me about two different families that have lost a child. Curiosity gets to me and i begin to read.. a family lost their first child at 18 months old to an accident, where she feel into a canal and they didn't know it until a farmer had found her.
To read the words that the mother recalls and the pain, is reminding me that Jesse would be due next week. Only a few short months ago we were preparing for our 3rd and last child. The pain and tears come back to me from the day i was told Jesse would not survive and i needed to decide on when to have him. Even though i feel peace with his passing and know he is where he's suppose to be, i still feel the overwhelming heartache that i will not be raising him in this life. that i will never get the chance to see him and his brothers (Ryan and Kaden) play outside, smack each other for a toy that is wanted be all of them, laugh as they throw all the dog food either at the dog.. or into his water.
Ive thought about Jesse alot the past couple of weeks. As we get closer to his original due date my sadness grows. Visiting his grave only brings me to tears.
I wish i could feel Jesse with us all the time.. but in a strange way i know he is watching over us. It has to be hard for him to see me cry.
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