Emotional Healing

Finally an update.. only 2 months later :)
With all the exercising that I'm doing and watching what i eat, i still feel like I'm at a stand still and i know why. I have not been emotionally ready to let the past go. A few weeks ago i had attended an essential oil class. In this class we learned about "Emotional Healing with essential Oils". A point was brought up, in this class, that if there is an oil that you can not stand, that means there is something in it that you need. Patchouli oil makes my stomach turn. I can pick it out of a crowd, out of any oil it may be blended with, . I SIMPLY HATE IT!! . To prove this wrong, i decided to look this up. Here's what is said about Patchouli oil:
"Patchouli oil assists in releasing emotional judgements and issues related to the body, such as believing the body is unholy or dirty. This oil helps with body image distortions and general body dislike. This oil brings confidence in the body as well as grace, poise and physical strength.
EMOTIONS ADDRESSED: Body shame, disconnect from the body, judgement of the body, tension in the body."
COMPANION OILS: Grapefruit, cinnamon and spruce

So to go further with this, i looked up Grapefruit oil, simple put it read:
EMOTIONS ADDRESSED: Hate for the body, addiction to food or dieting, eating disorders, and anxiety over appearance.

I know that i need to be emotionally healed, i have not let my issues go. Case in point, i few weeks ago i really got my feelings hurt. I don't feel it was intentional but i cried for 3 days. I felt like the "fat girl on the playground" I felt everything that i had worked for so far was a waste. that i was back to being judged by my appearance. That i am an embarrassment to everyone I'm seen with, or that they only want to be seen with me, to make them look better.  I have become more reserved, my wall is back up and I'm very careful what i say and do around certain people. This is not who i am or who i want to be.. So i need EMOTIONAL HEALING, before i can truly go on and get past these hang ups that are keeping me at the same weight, the same habits, the same feelings and same insecurities that creep up over and over again. I'm simply emotionally and physically drained and i need change now!
Now i do not express my feelings in this blog for any kind of sympathy, that is not what I'm looking for. I just need to put this down as some sort of therapy, if you want to call it that.

So today is the first day of applying the dreaded Patchouli oil and grapefruit, twice a day. I want to gag at the smell of it, but I'm going to really test this out. I need to be freed from the emotional turmoil that has haunted me for years.

Updates and journeling will be a part of this journey.. stay tuned
Oct 8th, 2012 is the First step to emotional healing with essential oils.

Living in the future

First week down of 6am workouts and 2 evening workouts with my trainer. I am feeling better each day. However i have decided i can not do this journey alone. I have to have someone to be accountable to. I cant trust myself (at this point in the game) to get up and work out without having someone at the gym waiting for me. Why is that? I mean i really want to be healthy, strong, fit and look good. So why cant i just do this on my own. I have so many friends that have the drive, the will power, nothing going to stop them kind of attitude.. why wasn't i born with that?!

I have to say it feels great to get to the gym.. and share my knowledge of working out (thanks to my trainer). With every sit up, side crunch, squat, bench press, i feel empowered and determined that i will do this.. it's mine to have.

My friend posted on FB, that she had a dream that i had hit my goal weight and was a hot little momma (maybe not in those exact words.. haha). As i pondered that thought all day, it hit me driving home from work.. I have never been able to see myself at my goal weight. I have never stuck with the latest "GET SKINNY IN JUST MONTHS" diet.  I have not loved myself enough to get healthy and change my lifestyle. Food has been my best friend, never letting me down whether happy or sad, it has been my constant reliable companion.
I started to cry, I HAVE BEEN DIETING SINCE JR HIGH!!! Killing myself to look like everyone else, if only to be skinny enough to have that certain boy like me, or not be an embarrassment to my family because of my weight. I have often felt like people are ashamed to be around me because of my weight.
Only to be told over and over that i "dressed great for a big girl", or "you are lucky to have a boyfriend that likes bigger women". I could go on and on, but it only brings back those hurt feelings.

The truth is, I have a wonderful husband that loves me for me. He has NEVER made me feel bad about my weight. I have amazing friends that love and support me (even when i need to eat that really yummy triple fudge Carmel sundae). And to those family members that have called me fat (in one way or another), nothing like calling the kettle black.. haha.

37 years old, I'm finally seeing who i am, who i am becoming. I'm strong and a fighter. Those haunting words from my past, just piss me off and makes me want to fight harder.

I choose NOT TO DIET anymore. I choose to live a healthier, happier lifestyle. And YES I'm still going to eat that occasional dessert.
As of today I'm 42lbs down from my heaviest weight, can bench press 150lbs & leg press 150lbs.  I work like a dog, sweat like a pig, to look like a fox. 

Swimming

 
                       Ryan & Kaden at the Roy Aquatic Center

Summer has been alot of fun, being outside and enjoying the sun. Ryan and Kaden are loving the water, in fact a little to adventurous. They are NOT afraid of the water at all.  They will run, jump, play and push each other over in the water. I know they are having fun, but as a mom, I'm freaked out they are going to drown (the water is only 2 ft deep, but like my mom always used to say.. "you can drown in a teaspoon of water". haha.
Swimming lesson are a must for these two.
Our favorite place to go is the Layton Surf and Swim, however my niece talked me into going to the Roy Aquatic Center. I had to pay for plastic pants that go over the swim diaper and the swim shorts, they don't take credit cards, CASH only. By this time I'm totally annoyed, luckily my niece had cash. Then before you can enter the swimming pool, i was stopped so that they could go through my bag.. I asked the girl what they were looking for, she said "Alcohol and glass containers".. really?? As i watched other people come in, they were not being check.. so i have to ask, was it the tattoo that targeted me for a bag check or did i in fact look drunk. (mind you my tattoo is a turtle, so it's not like it's anything hardcore).
     After that we had a great time in the pool with the kids. Kaden has become quit the ladies man. He would not leave all the mom's sitting on the side of the kidding pool alone. He wanted to hang out with them and chat it up. I had to keep pulling him away and apologizing.  It was pretty funny.
I guess my first clue he was a ladies man, should have been when we were at a different pool with my friend Rebecca and her girls and Kaden would not stop kissing Rebecca. It was so funny!
     Here we are in August, and summer quickly coming to a close, i know i have to soak up as much sun as possible. I will miss the heat when it's gone (i only say that when it's soo cold outside I'm craving any kind of warmth).
     Cheers to a great summer!

   

dear food, i love to hate you!

Here is my dilema.. I LOVE FOOD. I eat when i'm happy, sad, lonely, bored, need to keep my hands busy. You know more times then not, i just eat.. it's doesn't even taste great. So why do i do it?? I dont know. I have done hypotherapy, energy work, diet after diet to cure this addiction. Where am i at today?? 100 lbs over weight. UM, something is wrong with this picture.
Thursday July 27th, here's what i ate. Frosted cherrios with milk, 2 cheese and meat burritos (deep fried of course) 52 oz of dr. pepper, 12 oz dr. pepper, 12 oz. Live wire mtn dew, chicken breast, potatoes, green beans, 7 layer chocolate fudge cake, bag of popcorn...oh and i can't forget 2 cupcakes. SOO i ask, why am i 100lbs over weight? LOL.
That night walking up the stairs my legs, feet and back where killing me. I crawled into bed in a food coma (i had to take 2 sleeping pills from all the caffiene), body aching and stomach ache i finally drifted off to sleep, and hoping that i would actually wake up friday and prayed i hadn't given my self a heart attack.
The next morning i woke up feeling horrible, all these questions running through my head, how can i expect my kids to be healthy when i'm not, how can i keep going when i can barely walk and what is it going to take to get me to stop?!
I texted a girlfriend of my and decided i need a partner, someone to be accountable to. Someone i can be brutely honest with and share the dreaded "MY ACTUAL WEIGHT". Someone i could trust to push me, scold me and be my biggest cheerleader.
So here we are day 4 of healthier eating, no soda (expect the minimal diet coke of course), exercising and really doing this.  NO MORE EXCUSES!!!
I start a body cleanse day 5, heaven knows my body needs it.

Last night i craved something really sweet, (didn't help that i was watching Cupcakes Wars ) I texted my girlfriend again... HELP, i need something sweet... after texting back and forth about how our first few days have gone, i got a tall glass of ice water and drank that instead. One crisis adverted :)
Now i  know that there will be good days and bad days, but with the support of one of my best friends that's in it with me, i will get that 100lb weight off.

Food is my silent killer, i hate you and love you at the same time. Some day we will be friends and i choose not to allow you to rule my life anymore!!

Love being a mom

It's been to long since i blogged.. why.. I'm not sure, but the past few months have flown by. I have actually been in survival mode for the past two years. Yes the twins have turned 2, and to be honest, i don't remember a lot. Good thing Paul is camera happy.  I don't remember them being so small, the day to day activities, however i do remember the endless nights of no sleep (from teething, bad dreams, wanting to be held, etc.) Now it hasn't been all that bad, but it's been EXHAUSTING. Yes I'm going to say it.. being a mom is exhausting. And yes i know.. I prayed for these two, and would not want it any different (on a good day i can say that.. hahaha). I have felt that every mom out there just loves being a mom, doing the daily routines of kids things, changing poopy diapers, playing with the kids, feeding them.. the list goes on and on. I have felt like an inadequate mom, because quit frankly, i haven't enjoyed any of that. Everything seems like a chore.  So why this funk that I'm in.. I don't know.. feeling like I'm a bad mom.  Then just recently after expressing my feelings to a few different moms/friends i found out I'm NOT the only one that feels this way.. in fact more women feel this way then are willing to admit.. and damnit, let's be honest.. it's not all fun and games and women that act like it is.. well it's a lie. 
I'm trying to shake this funk I'm in..enjoy every day or at least find something to enjoy everyday.
TODAY i feel like i can do this.. i can be a mom and be happy doing it, because the past two years have gone by like a blink of the eye.. and I'm sad to say, i don't remember a lot.. yes survival mode most of the time.  Before i know it Ryan and Kaden will be off to school, having their own friends, hugging mom will be soo uncool, and snuggling.. well that will come to an end :(
So from here on out, I'm trying to how i can enjoy motherhood (even the days they are both puking on me) because I'm the one that they want to hold them.. and the house work, laundry, shopping, etc. will always be there.

So today, i love being a mom.
Ps: did i mention Kaden got a hold of a RED marker and scribbled all over our Tan sectional.. yes, i repeat, i love being a mom.. :)