dear food, i love to hate you!

Here is my dilema.. I LOVE FOOD. I eat when i'm happy, sad, lonely, bored, need to keep my hands busy. You know more times then not, i just eat.. it's doesn't even taste great. So why do i do it?? I dont know. I have done hypotherapy, energy work, diet after diet to cure this addiction. Where am i at today?? 100 lbs over weight. UM, something is wrong with this picture.
Thursday July 27th, here's what i ate. Frosted cherrios with milk, 2 cheese and meat burritos (deep fried of course) 52 oz of dr. pepper, 12 oz dr. pepper, 12 oz. Live wire mtn dew, chicken breast, potatoes, green beans, 7 layer chocolate fudge cake, bag of popcorn...oh and i can't forget 2 cupcakes. SOO i ask, why am i 100lbs over weight? LOL.
That night walking up the stairs my legs, feet and back where killing me. I crawled into bed in a food coma (i had to take 2 sleeping pills from all the caffiene), body aching and stomach ache i finally drifted off to sleep, and hoping that i would actually wake up friday and prayed i hadn't given my self a heart attack.
The next morning i woke up feeling horrible, all these questions running through my head, how can i expect my kids to be healthy when i'm not, how can i keep going when i can barely walk and what is it going to take to get me to stop?!
I texted a girlfriend of my and decided i need a partner, someone to be accountable to. Someone i can be brutely honest with and share the dreaded "MY ACTUAL WEIGHT". Someone i could trust to push me, scold me and be my biggest cheerleader.
So here we are day 4 of healthier eating, no soda (expect the minimal diet coke of course), exercising and really doing this.  NO MORE EXCUSES!!!
I start a body cleanse day 5, heaven knows my body needs it.

Last night i craved something really sweet, (didn't help that i was watching Cupcakes Wars ) I texted my girlfriend again... HELP, i need something sweet... after texting back and forth about how our first few days have gone, i got a tall glass of ice water and drank that instead. One crisis adverted :)
Now i  know that there will be good days and bad days, but with the support of one of my best friends that's in it with me, i will get that 100lb weight off.

Food is my silent killer, i hate you and love you at the same time. Some day we will be friends and i choose not to allow you to rule my life anymore!!

Love being a mom

It's been to long since i blogged.. why.. I'm not sure, but the past few months have flown by. I have actually been in survival mode for the past two years. Yes the twins have turned 2, and to be honest, i don't remember a lot. Good thing Paul is camera happy.  I don't remember them being so small, the day to day activities, however i do remember the endless nights of no sleep (from teething, bad dreams, wanting to be held, etc.) Now it hasn't been all that bad, but it's been EXHAUSTING. Yes I'm going to say it.. being a mom is exhausting. And yes i know.. I prayed for these two, and would not want it any different (on a good day i can say that.. hahaha). I have felt that every mom out there just loves being a mom, doing the daily routines of kids things, changing poopy diapers, playing with the kids, feeding them.. the list goes on and on. I have felt like an inadequate mom, because quit frankly, i haven't enjoyed any of that. Everything seems like a chore.  So why this funk that I'm in.. I don't know.. feeling like I'm a bad mom.  Then just recently after expressing my feelings to a few different moms/friends i found out I'm NOT the only one that feels this way.. in fact more women feel this way then are willing to admit.. and damnit, let's be honest.. it's not all fun and games and women that act like it is.. well it's a lie. 
I'm trying to shake this funk I'm in..enjoy every day or at least find something to enjoy everyday.
TODAY i feel like i can do this.. i can be a mom and be happy doing it, because the past two years have gone by like a blink of the eye.. and I'm sad to say, i don't remember a lot.. yes survival mode most of the time.  Before i know it Ryan and Kaden will be off to school, having their own friends, hugging mom will be soo uncool, and snuggling.. well that will come to an end :(
So from here on out, I'm trying to how i can enjoy motherhood (even the days they are both puking on me) because I'm the one that they want to hold them.. and the house work, laundry, shopping, etc. will always be there.

So today, i love being a mom.
Ps: did i mention Kaden got a hold of a RED marker and scribbled all over our Tan sectional.. yes, i repeat, i love being a mom.. :)