Monday Oct 31st
I recieved a text from a friend asking if i had seen the FB post regarding the funeral of a friends granddaughter. I quickly made arrangements for a sitter and said i'd be there.
What a bitter sweet experience.. this sweet couple had lost their baby, full term and gave birth to a still born baby girl. My heart still breaks for them. As the family pulled up and the small casket was taken from the car, the feelings from Jesse's service rushed over me. I couldn't hold back the tears and knew all to well the sadness this couple was having to endure. To know that they will not get to take her home to her room that was all to ready for her, have her there for her first christmas, all the times of saying.. "no no, stop, don't do that..." and most importantly rocking that sweet baby to sleep. I understood the pain all to well, the sadness that comes with loosing a child and the thoughts of how it would have been to raise this child.
I do know that everything happens for a reason, I know that there is a reason this baby girl and my Jesse had to leave this earthly life sooner then any of us wanted them too, i can take comfort in knowing we will see them again. Thank you to a great friend Rebecca that has become such a wonderful friend in the past year, she was their for me.. and i know she really cares.
On a lighter note, it was the twins (Ryan and Kaden's) first time trick or treating..we tried last year, but only being a few months old.. they totally didn't get it.
Ryan was the orange M&M, Kaden was yellow, I was green and Paul was the red one. We had a great time. the boys did not want to be stuck in their wagon, they wanted to be right there along with everyone walking. Toward the end of the night, they were so scared to walk up the stairs.. in fact, Kaden tried on several occasions to go into their homes :)
We ended the night at 8pm.. we had enough.. but had perfect weather.. was so grateful for that!!
So i am blessed. I'm blessed for the two little spirits that fill me days with laughter, frusteration and exhaustion. I wouldn't have it any other way. I love them more and more and grateful for the time i have with them.
Tuesday, November 1, 2011
Friday, September 30, 2011
It's been a rough couple of weeks
Finally the twins are down for a nap, i can actually get on the computer without them wanting (yes both of them) to be on my lap and seeing what I'm doing... or better yet they want to bang on the computer.
I start looking at a blog my friend sent me about two different families that have lost a child. Curiosity gets to me and i begin to read.. a family lost their first child at 18 months old to an accident, where she feel into a canal and they didn't know it until a farmer had found her.
To read the words that the mother recalls and the pain, is reminding me that Jesse would be due next week. Only a few short months ago we were preparing for our 3rd and last child. The pain and tears come back to me from the day i was told Jesse would not survive and i needed to decide on when to have him. Even though i feel peace with his passing and know he is where he's suppose to be, i still feel the overwhelming heartache that i will not be raising him in this life. that i will never get the chance to see him and his brothers (Ryan and Kaden) play outside, smack each other for a toy that is wanted be all of them, laugh as they throw all the dog food either at the dog.. or into his water.
Ive thought about Jesse alot the past couple of weeks. As we get closer to his original due date my sadness grows. Visiting his grave only brings me to tears.
I wish i could feel Jesse with us all the time.. but in a strange way i know he is watching over us. It has to be hard for him to see me cry.
I start looking at a blog my friend sent me about two different families that have lost a child. Curiosity gets to me and i begin to read.. a family lost their first child at 18 months old to an accident, where she feel into a canal and they didn't know it until a farmer had found her.
To read the words that the mother recalls and the pain, is reminding me that Jesse would be due next week. Only a few short months ago we were preparing for our 3rd and last child. The pain and tears come back to me from the day i was told Jesse would not survive and i needed to decide on when to have him. Even though i feel peace with his passing and know he is where he's suppose to be, i still feel the overwhelming heartache that i will not be raising him in this life. that i will never get the chance to see him and his brothers (Ryan and Kaden) play outside, smack each other for a toy that is wanted be all of them, laugh as they throw all the dog food either at the dog.. or into his water.
Ive thought about Jesse alot the past couple of weeks. As we get closer to his original due date my sadness grows. Visiting his grave only brings me to tears.
I wish i could feel Jesse with us all the time.. but in a strange way i know he is watching over us. It has to be hard for him to see me cry.
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
Ryan and Kaden's first pool
We finally found a pool for the twins. Yes the last one at Target. We tried swimming in our diapers.. well they exploded :( So we are skinny dipping instead. They werent to sure about it at first (could be due to the cold water and nothing to cover their little bums..) Well they've played in it a few times and now have discovered they can crawl out and make their great excape. It's exhausting to run after these two.. however i prayed long and hard for babies and got two. I sure do love them. They are getting quite the personalities. I do thank god for them everyday!!
Monday, August 8, 2011
Jesse Leon Otto
Jesse Leon Otto came into our life, for only a short time. He was born on June 22, 2010. He lived a short 7 mins. He was delivered via c-section at Ogden Regional Medical center. His little heart stopped beating right before he was placed into our arms.
June 14th i go in for what was suppose to be a routine check up and our target ultrasound.. we were finally going to find out the sex our of baby. I arrive to the office, sit in the waiting area, turn on my phone and update my status on Face book.. "At the Dr office right now, finally going to find out the sex our baby..."
I finally get my turn in the the ultrasound tech. We exchange small talk about how many kids we already have, what we think the baby is going to be. The tech stops talking and ask, "have you been drinking enough fluid?" a million questions start running through my mind.. "why would she ask that, have i not drank enough water, could it be all those cokes i drank.." i respond, "i think so.. why?" She proceeds to tell me that my fluid levels are low.. he doesn't speak much after that. Next thing i know she says.. "i need to go get your doctor, " of course i begin to panic and ask if it's serious.. her reply "yes there is something wrong and it's serious.." with that she hands me the tissue and is out the door.
As i lay there on the table, looking up at the dimly lit ceiling, the tears begin to flow, how can this be happening, what could be wrong, I'm 5 months along, how can they just be seeing this now, she's obviously mistaken.
Two Doctors and the tech return, and start discussing what she sees. Then turn to me and ask "do you have any questions.." "yes i reply, i don't understand what you are talking about.."
they proceed to tell me that our baby is not going to survive, that he has not developed the way he should have. That his spine and skull have not formed.
I can't control the emotions now, they are spinning out of control. I'm by myself, no one to hold my hand, no one to share this devastating news with. The doctors leave so i can get up and my doctor tells me he'd like to meet with me in another room. The tech helps me up and walks me to the room, before she closes the door, she turns with tears in her eyes, walks to me and gives me a hug... telling me how sorry she is. With that she is gone. I'm left in the room, waiting for the doctor, frantically trying to call Paul. No response.. i try 6 more times and just his voicemail. I then call my mom.. i need to tell someone. I finally get a hold of her, between sobs explain what is going on... her and my dad where on there way within hours.
the doctor returns and asks me what would i like to do, that we are going to have to deliver this baby. i had several options #1 deliver vaginally, #2 Dialate & Evacuate, #3 c-section.
I tell him i need a 2nd opinion and need to see a specialists. He agrees that i have the right, and gets me an appointment the next day in Salt Lake City.
With blood shot, puffy eyes i leave the office.. go to my car and just sit there.. unable to move, unable to speak, unable to breath.. Our baby was not going to live!!
Finally able to get a hold of Paul, he leaves work immediately. Ryan and Kaden are being taking care of by Alyssa. I return home, numb... i go to my room.
Finally able to get a hold of Paul, he leaves work immediately. Ryan and Kaden are being taking care of by Alyssa. I return home, numb... i go to my room.
Paul is come within a 1/2 hr.. he comes to our room.. all i can do is sob. We both sit there in disbelief and emotionally raw.
The next day i head to salt lake, with a lot of support of family (my parents, Paul and sister Michelle) by my side, we get to the office and meet with the doctor. He proceeds with an ultrasound as well, and goes over the report from my doctors office. He is able to explain to us more about what the baby has. He was diagnosed with Anencephaly: a cephalic disorder that results from a neural tube defect that occurs when the head end of the neural tube fails to close and usually between 23rd and 26th day of pregnancy, resulting in the absence of a major portion of the brain, skull and scalp. Most babies with this genetic disorder do not survive birth.
Nothing can be done medically to save this baby, nothing that i have done caused this to happen.. it's just one of those rare things that happens. He goes on to explain that i could carry this baby full term and he will continue to grow and so will i, but the outcome will remain the same. He is only alive, because i am his life support. The decision is then ours as to when the baby will be born.
Sunday, August 7, 2011
Our Miracle babies
Dec 2009
Paul and I have been married 11 years at this point, Christmas of 2009 as we sit in front of the tree Paul says to me.. "i feel like there is something missing"...
We have been trying to have children and it never happened. I had given up on the thought that it would EVER happen. I say to Paul.. "if you think we should trying seeing a specialist again we can" We tried fertility drugs about 7 years prior and nothing seemed to work. It was devastating, and exhausting. Everything had to be scheduled, it seemed more like a job to try and get pregnant.
Dec. 28Th 2009
For over a month i kept feeling that i needed to stop at the store and get a pregnancy test. I kept ignoring that nagging feeling, after all how many times id gone through this.. thinking Im pregnant, taking a test, having it come out negative.. I couldn't put myself through this again.
I finally decided to pick up a test.. in fact i bought 3!! I got home and the first 2 test failed.. my thought, "here we go again". Paul and I went to the gym, came home and i had a feeling i needed to try it one more time... It came out positive!!
Paul and I stayed up that night talking about, what if this was really it, what if i was really pregnant.. and what was i going to do...?
I had given notice and my last day at work was in two days. I was trying to start doing massage full time and really start building my business. We were planning our next trip to Mexico & just about out of debt!!
Dec 29th 2009
i called my Dr first thing the next morning, he got me in within hours. Paul went to work and i told him i would call when i found out for sure.. after all these years and no symptoms, there is no way i am pregnant.
Of course upon arriving at the Dr office, the staff started congratulating me on being pregnant (i had only told them my test at home was positive) i was really annoyed, because we didn't know for sure.
When the Dr came in to see me i said i still didn't believe it. He told me he was going to do an ultrasound. As he proceeded with the ultrasound, there it was.. our baby. Then to the Dr's surprise, he found another baby.. Yep.. i was having twins. He was able to tell me that they were identical boys and that i was 3 1/2 months along. I could not believe it. All i could do was lay there and bawl. TWIN BOYS?? how did this happen??
i got to my car and called Paul right away.. our conversation went something like this.. "Honey, i need you to go to the conference room, shut the door, sit down.. I have something to tell you.. We are having identical twins boys... sob sob sob.." Paul's response.."oh shit... uhh i don't feel so good.."
We called our parents right away.. and the phone never stopped until late that night. It was a miracle that we conceived two babies. Our prayers where finally answered. Yes God has a sense of humor, sending me two babies at a time, i guess making up for lost time?!
Paul and I have been married 11 years at this point, Christmas of 2009 as we sit in front of the tree Paul says to me.. "i feel like there is something missing"...
We have been trying to have children and it never happened. I had given up on the thought that it would EVER happen. I say to Paul.. "if you think we should trying seeing a specialist again we can" We tried fertility drugs about 7 years prior and nothing seemed to work. It was devastating, and exhausting. Everything had to be scheduled, it seemed more like a job to try and get pregnant.
Dec. 28Th 2009
For over a month i kept feeling that i needed to stop at the store and get a pregnancy test. I kept ignoring that nagging feeling, after all how many times id gone through this.. thinking Im pregnant, taking a test, having it come out negative.. I couldn't put myself through this again.
I finally decided to pick up a test.. in fact i bought 3!! I got home and the first 2 test failed.. my thought, "here we go again". Paul and I went to the gym, came home and i had a feeling i needed to try it one more time... It came out positive!!
Paul and I stayed up that night talking about, what if this was really it, what if i was really pregnant.. and what was i going to do...?
I had given notice and my last day at work was in two days. I was trying to start doing massage full time and really start building my business. We were planning our next trip to Mexico & just about out of debt!!
Dec 29th 2009
i called my Dr first thing the next morning, he got me in within hours. Paul went to work and i told him i would call when i found out for sure.. after all these years and no symptoms, there is no way i am pregnant.
Of course upon arriving at the Dr office, the staff started congratulating me on being pregnant (i had only told them my test at home was positive) i was really annoyed, because we didn't know for sure.
When the Dr came in to see me i said i still didn't believe it. He told me he was going to do an ultrasound. As he proceeded with the ultrasound, there it was.. our baby. Then to the Dr's surprise, he found another baby.. Yep.. i was having twins. He was able to tell me that they were identical boys and that i was 3 1/2 months along. I could not believe it. All i could do was lay there and bawl. TWIN BOYS?? how did this happen??
i got to my car and called Paul right away.. our conversation went something like this.. "Honey, i need you to go to the conference room, shut the door, sit down.. I have something to tell you.. We are having identical twins boys... sob sob sob.." Paul's response.."oh shit... uhh i don't feel so good.."
We called our parents right away.. and the phone never stopped until late that night. It was a miracle that we conceived two babies. Our prayers where finally answered. Yes God has a sense of humor, sending me two babies at a time, i guess making up for lost time?!
Ryan and Kaden's blessing day
Sept 2010Ryan Paul was blessed by my dad and Kaden Arthur was blessed by my brother Tony.
They were blessed in the LDS church. We had many family members attend that day. It was a special day and something i never thought I'd get to experience, since it took us 11 years to have these two little miracles.
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