Living in the future

First week down of 6am workouts and 2 evening workouts with my trainer. I am feeling better each day. However i have decided i can not do this journey alone. I have to have someone to be accountable to. I cant trust myself (at this point in the game) to get up and work out without having someone at the gym waiting for me. Why is that? I mean i really want to be healthy, strong, fit and look good. So why cant i just do this on my own. I have so many friends that have the drive, the will power, nothing going to stop them kind of attitude.. why wasn't i born with that?!

I have to say it feels great to get to the gym.. and share my knowledge of working out (thanks to my trainer). With every sit up, side crunch, squat, bench press, i feel empowered and determined that i will do this.. it's mine to have.

My friend posted on FB, that she had a dream that i had hit my goal weight and was a hot little momma (maybe not in those exact words.. haha). As i pondered that thought all day, it hit me driving home from work.. I have never been able to see myself at my goal weight. I have never stuck with the latest "GET SKINNY IN JUST MONTHS" diet.  I have not loved myself enough to get healthy and change my lifestyle. Food has been my best friend, never letting me down whether happy or sad, it has been my constant reliable companion.
I started to cry, I HAVE BEEN DIETING SINCE JR HIGH!!! Killing myself to look like everyone else, if only to be skinny enough to have that certain boy like me, or not be an embarrassment to my family because of my weight. I have often felt like people are ashamed to be around me because of my weight.
Only to be told over and over that i "dressed great for a big girl", or "you are lucky to have a boyfriend that likes bigger women". I could go on and on, but it only brings back those hurt feelings.

The truth is, I have a wonderful husband that loves me for me. He has NEVER made me feel bad about my weight. I have amazing friends that love and support me (even when i need to eat that really yummy triple fudge Carmel sundae). And to those family members that have called me fat (in one way or another), nothing like calling the kettle black.. haha.

37 years old, I'm finally seeing who i am, who i am becoming. I'm strong and a fighter. Those haunting words from my past, just piss me off and makes me want to fight harder.

I choose NOT TO DIET anymore. I choose to live a healthier, happier lifestyle. And YES I'm still going to eat that occasional dessert.
As of today I'm 42lbs down from my heaviest weight, can bench press 150lbs & leg press 150lbs.  I work like a dog, sweat like a pig, to look like a fox. 

Swimming

 
                       Ryan & Kaden at the Roy Aquatic Center

Summer has been alot of fun, being outside and enjoying the sun. Ryan and Kaden are loving the water, in fact a little to adventurous. They are NOT afraid of the water at all.  They will run, jump, play and push each other over in the water. I know they are having fun, but as a mom, I'm freaked out they are going to drown (the water is only 2 ft deep, but like my mom always used to say.. "you can drown in a teaspoon of water". haha.
Swimming lesson are a must for these two.
Our favorite place to go is the Layton Surf and Swim, however my niece talked me into going to the Roy Aquatic Center. I had to pay for plastic pants that go over the swim diaper and the swim shorts, they don't take credit cards, CASH only. By this time I'm totally annoyed, luckily my niece had cash. Then before you can enter the swimming pool, i was stopped so that they could go through my bag.. I asked the girl what they were looking for, she said "Alcohol and glass containers".. really?? As i watched other people come in, they were not being check.. so i have to ask, was it the tattoo that targeted me for a bag check or did i in fact look drunk. (mind you my tattoo is a turtle, so it's not like it's anything hardcore).
     After that we had a great time in the pool with the kids. Kaden has become quit the ladies man. He would not leave all the mom's sitting on the side of the kidding pool alone. He wanted to hang out with them and chat it up. I had to keep pulling him away and apologizing.  It was pretty funny.
I guess my first clue he was a ladies man, should have been when we were at a different pool with my friend Rebecca and her girls and Kaden would not stop kissing Rebecca. It was so funny!
     Here we are in August, and summer quickly coming to a close, i know i have to soak up as much sun as possible. I will miss the heat when it's gone (i only say that when it's soo cold outside I'm craving any kind of warmth).
     Cheers to a great summer!